Nurse Ivonne

How does anyone survive being a new nurse? Medication immediately comes to mind. Health care providers learn the ropes on live, human subjects who speak, feel and hear. And that was precisely the foundation of my fear when embarking on this journey…this very mountainous, rough seas, tornado-like journey.

I suppose it sounds like an exaggeration. Maybe to you, but for a person who is fully aware that she cannot cure herself of some ailments, a person who lacked confidence and therefore, avoided experiences (that did not involve athleticism – for some reason failure there, was less of a blow) and placed more importance on the potential of doing more harm rather than restoration, comfort or simple care; it was unfathomable. With that mindset, acceptance to nursing school as a 21 year old had to be deferred nearly 20 years.

20 years? Good grief. This seems like an incredibly good time to address achievements. I have a PhD in what if’s, could’ve, should’ve and would’ve. Let’s reflect positively- that’s a new and different approach for me. Immediately after college, I went to Baltimore to learn how to cook…bake, specifically. It was a half-hearted longing of mine. I went for it though, and while I attempted to put some distance between me and myself, it was in Baltimore that I might have been found – at least by someone who believed in me.

I have a silly cartoon of a woman at a vending machine choosing her perfect mate. Similarly, there were personal ads and it was through those ads that I met Michael. First impressions of this fair skinned, dark haired man sitting in The Admiral’s Cup: he has great teeth. It's true, I noticed his teeth. I immediately bet all my chips on this one. It was a safe bet. Where would I be without Michael? I hate to think of it. He is the one. He is the one that never (outwardly- God only knows what he was thinking) lost faith. How he achieved this, I will never know. I am oversimplifying the benefits of having a Michael. 

Then there are 3 kids. 3 boys, 3 incredible achievements who feel and live and are grateful. The have so many opportunities ahead. They do make me happy despite the worry I have about the future. Nothing extraordinary, just the wonder of what will be and the hope that they will feel happiness more than anything else.

Now the boys are growing, in school and it was a good time was right for me to have chosen to go back to school, nursing school. What changed in those 20 years? What on Earth made me think I could do this now?  Honestly, not much in my mind had changed.  The biggest change was having my trusty side-kick, Michael, in my life. Michael encouraged me to set goals, make a plan and to go after even the loftiest. Becoming an RN was the pinnacle of loft. I feared the outcome of successfully completing nursing school. I’d get a job and I’d work as a nurse.  The Nursing Gods would stamp my Nursing card and tell me I was ready to work, ready or not. Holy shit.  I knew that people would count on me. They had no idea I was so green (or did they). All I could do was learn the skills that I had to learn and stay calm on the outside even though the inside was covered in colorful, profanity-laden graffiti.  From assessments to catheters, you spend your whole first year as an RN in a nursing fog and just when you think you can’t swallow anymore knowledge, the manager informs you of policy changes. It’s inevitable. Change, that’s what it’s all about. No….learning to deal with change, THAT’S what it’s all about. Needless to say, the first year was filled with tears. The stress of being someone’s nurse, at times, felt unbearable (let alone being a nurse for 6 people at one time). I continued only because I didn’t want to quit anything anymore. No more giving up on me, I would remind myself. Furthermore, I don’t think Michael would have let me.  Time passed and things felt better. I should say, I had experiences that were both good and bad, and I learned from them. Maybe I should go further and say that with every experience, I became more confident.

My confidence is, at times, fleeting and I tire of meeting standards that are based upon how happy patients are while visiting the hospital. Is anyone truly satisfied in the hospital?  I stay for the challenge, to build my inner strength and mostly, because I adore my patients.  Even though she's in her 40s and looks rather "seasoned", your nurse might be that new gal that's trying to start anew.