I chose two ties. One was America themed and the other, tropical. I was feeling especially happy about the price and the choices I made. I did a lap around the store just to browse and headed back to the check out counter. Little did I know this would be my warm up.
The man behind the counter reminded me of Kip in "Napoleon Dynamite". He had the same build, similar glasses, and attire. I'm not insulting him, Kip is my favorite character in that movie but, that blue, V-neck sweater was the same color as the collared shirt Kip wore when he said that things were "getting serious". Store Kip took good care of my items and told me about the amazing discounts I would receive. Splendid! I could not have felt more pleased and could just picture my son's smiling face. Even though he is 16, I can still see that 5 year old in him. It would be just like the time he chose a Spider-Man costume for Halloween back in Texas. When he put it on, he was Spider-Man. He posed and shot out imaginary webs from his wrists and climbed the bunk bed with fearless intensity. This costume was the ultimate...it had built in muscles. He was so joyful despite wearing a layer of polyester from head to toe in the blistering Texas heat. These bowties would have a similar effect!
This is from: http://filmgarb.com/kip-dynamite-shirt/ You can buy that shirt!
I politely said to Store Kip, "I don't need a bag today, I brought one." Store Kip, said, "We prefer you have a bag to prove you paid for your items." I remained kind and gentle but, chose to throw in a bit of a passive-aggressive challenge. If you know me, you know this is hard for me to do. I read an article recently about being "the good child". I could relate. I'm the one that's going to do my best not to "rock the boat". I want others to be happy even if it means tossing out what I need for the moment. I can do that but, I do it too much. So, the new "mean child" (ha) in me said, "Won't the receipt be the proof?" Store Kip says, "Yes, you'll get the receipt but, you are also getting a bag." Now Store Kip had unleashed a challenge. I know a challenge when I hear one. I'm game, Store Kip. Oh yes, let's dance. The line in the sand had been drawn, the machete had sparked across the floor, the knuckles had been cracked. No sir, no siree....I'm not taking your freaking bag. No way. Store Kip proceeded to place the bowties in the bag along with the receipt. He raised it up slowly and he held it up at eye level for me to take.
It was at this moment that a giant dust bunny tumbled across the floor and I heard this:
You know the sound without even listening. Store Kip and I were at a crossroads. One of us was going to end up with that bag and it wasn't going to be me. Store Kip and I exchanged what felt like several minutes of an eye-twitching, intense stare with snarly lips. Who will flinch? Who will have the last word? My hand quickly reached to my holster - which, in this case, was the bag. I grabbed it and removed the patriotic tie. I removed the tropical tie. I removed the receipt. I placed the environment crushing plastic bag onto the counter, grabbed what was rightfully mine, and I bolted. I darted past the white, headless mannequins wearing Nike gear and Polo shirts and did a sweet, tight turn around the Clinique counter and made it out into the parking lot and safely into my minivan. While Store Kip would probably have been able to outsmart me, I felt confident that he could not outrun me. Know your enemy.
Here's a crowd gathered outside the store rallying against plastic bags (not really, but it is a clip of Rage Against the Machine hollering out "Know Your Enemy" and you can't hear the bad words as much or see the fiery album cover): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2JQZonD2nQ
