I talk to Michael a lot about the subjects that occupy my thoughts. My writing was his fabulous idea. If he thought it would keep me from "yapping" so much, he was wrong. Truthfully, it's done the opposite - probably opened up a vault of hidden thoughts and words. Recently, I asked him to give me any information he might find related to forgiveness. Michael is an avid reader and is constantly learning. His mind does not stop and I take advantage of that. He sent me this article:
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-22322/10-reasons-to-just-choose-to-forgive.html
I don't love the subject line: It's best to leave retribution to the universe. It sounds as if you are waiting for that person who "did you wrong" to get hit by the karma bus when they least expect it. If you read more, you will find the true meaning of karma. I don't define it very well, but in my simpleton words: you create your own inner heaven or hell. You are the master of your well being. If you act like a jerk, you'll probably feel like a jerk (and if you don't, then you are a sociopath and you have bigger issues so, you should get to a psychiatrist).
I'm attempting to understand forgiveness not because I need to hand it out, but because I need to receive forgiveness. If I think for a bit, and not to strenuously, I realize I would need more than two hands to count out the people who probably feel they need an apology from me. When I dissect the situations, I am painfully aware that most of the "dislike" actually comes from misunderstanding or miscommunication. The good intentions are abundant (I always recall that old Randy Travis song that says something like: the road to Hell is paved with good intentions), and good intentions matter to me, but they don't do too much when you are in urgent need of mercy. I have a few apologies to give, yes I do.
Sadly, the words "I'm sorry", weren't really a part of my vocabulary until adulthood. My husband taught me the value. He's a good man and knows that those two words (or three because, hey, "I'm" is a contraction) are not empty. He has never delivered those words without meaning. And when someone says I'm sorry (in the right tone and humbly - because those snotty, snarly I'm sorries that you know you've heard your children say to one another, don't really count), it matters. It matters a lot. I'm thankful for those words and for being given the opportunity to say them to someone I've hurt. While being the giver of or the recipient of forgiveness requires outrageous amounts of vulnerability, it is among the finest gifts we can share.
I have trouble defining forgiveness. I have to remind myself of what it is and what it isn't. I can not turn to the Bible or any other religious readings to find its meaning. I do turn, however, to science. There are times during which I wish I had the extraordinary religious faith that many of my friends exhibit. I don't. I've tried and maybe someday I will find my answers in religion, but currently, I am a religious mutt and science holds my attention.
This article clarifies it all for me. I read it and reread it.
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/forgiveness/understanding-forgiveness
I often feel that forgiveness should be quick and forgetful. I am always disappointed when it is not - which means, I am always disappointed in how forgiveness works. I want to be better at handing out forgiveness (I don't need to do this very often - my closest friends are great empathizers and our wires rarely cross). Family is a bit more tricky. I don't have a thorough understanding of this...yet. Honestly, it seems like an enormous undertaking - coming to some understanding of familial forgiveness and relationships (expectations, disappointment, love, hurt, pain, joy...). It almost overwhelms me.
As mentioned before, I have read some of Nadia Bolz-Weber's writings. I agree and disagree with her, but she is entertaining and so unapologetically human that I can't do anything but adore her. Two of the biggest points I've found in her writings are:
1. You have to learn to live without the apology you think you deserve.
2. You will eventually be disappointed by others. Decide how you will respond.
These are tough lessons, especially because we have all been on either end and have probably agonized over each. I don't personally know anyone that purposely sets out to inflict pain and suffering upon anyone else (even the passive aggressive nonsense...I can have a twinge of empathy seeing that this is a form of unresolved anger). These two points are like an atomic bomb exploded in my heart. I owe someone an apology and I don't even know it!? And, I KNOW I have disappointed others, but not purposefully . Here, I ask for forgiveness for any distress I've caused.
Wouldn't it be nice if it were as simple as a form letter? If only.
I _________(name), offer an apology for the following reasons: __________.
I mean it, I really do. Can we forget about it now?
Love, __________(name).
I do wish for all of us to have the ability to delicately and gracefully share our hurt when it is necessary for peace or with quiet, but courageous compassion, find a way in our own hearts to bestow mercy upon others. We all need this peace. Whether we are the almsgiver or the beneficiary, we all need the opportunity to do better, to be better.
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