Jesus and Buddha and all those other nice folks

Lately, I've rediscovered an inner peace. Probably something I have not had inside me since childhood.

Growing up as a Catholic kid, I knew I was going to Hell. At least, that's what I was told. Once, I drew on the wall with a crayon. It was that neon orange color. That delightful crayon probably had the name "Sunny Day Orange" or something very joyful like that. Needless to say, when it was discovered that I had faintly outlined the doorknob to our downstairs bathroom with Happy Orange, I quickly denied the crime. "You go to Hell if you lie", is what I was told. I was 5. I was doomed by the age of 5.

I prayed the rosary. That was not the last time I would turn to Mary and Our Father for forgiveness. No matter how many times I prayed the rosary, it felt useless. I was going to Hell. I went through the motions of Catholic life: First Communion, Confession, Confirmation. I had no idea this was all supposed to have meaning in my life - other than I was trying to sell my entry ticket to Hell.

I remember being Confirmed in college through the Catholic Campus Ministry. We went through many discussions and formalities so that we could be certain we would be prepared to commit to the Catholic Church. I felt ready, I was ready to follow in the footsteps of Jesus. This was the guy that was supposed to save me. His Dad, God, was looking out for me, too.

A few days prior to Confirmation, my Confirmation group met. In the midst of the discussion, I became aware that God was not some fellow high up in a cloud, wearing a toga and a long white beard while pointing a staff at things that he either wanted to create, repair or destroy. What the Hell? He's not a guy? He's not at least a spirit of a guy looking out for me? I was floored. I was angry that no one had ever mentioned God's true identity to me. I felt like a fool, but I committed to Catholicism anyway because it seemed like the right thing to do.

For years I walked around angry at myself for being Catholic. For agreeing to something I did not whole-heartedly believe in, for not understanding it after years of going through motions. Then again, I did not bother to dig deeper to discover what I did believe in. I spent many years just being me...no sail, no paddle, no motor, no extra water, no life vest...nothing. I was wandering, but mostly lost.

 I'm about to turn 42. I've had awhile to think and still retain some level of confusion (this is particularly true since I hit the age of 40). What I know is this: there are a lot of good, admirable people on this planet. Before us, one of those greats was Jesus. He is one of many truly admirable people whose teachings I take to heart along with those of other great men and women. Jesus did not want us to worship him, he wanted us to be good people (act like him). Whoever can teach me to be a good person, whoever can serve as a fine example, I will watch you and listen to you. Buddha, I'm listening. Mother Theresa, show me the way. Gandhi, I'm all ears. We have in our lifetime, incredibly kind people roaming the earth, sending us messages about goodness, hope, faith, healing, understanding. We may not realize it now, but they are out there. I believe that. I'm sure some walk by my side and I don't even know it.

I've discovered a great book as I search for understanding of my own faith, Accidental Saints: Finding God in All the Wrong People by Nadia Bolz-Weber. I've listened to her NPR interviews and find that she speaks my language. I understand what she is saying and she is giving me some clarity and hope that Jesus is not going to stamp my one-way ticket to Hell. If there is hope for me, there is hope for you. The icing is that she's a CrossFitter, so she can't be THAT bad, right?  =)


Here's a link to Nadia Bolz-Weber's interesting insights:

http://www.nadiabolzweber.com/latest-sermons