It's Only Noisy if You Let it Get Noisy.

Recently, I had someone make a negative comment about my physical appearance. I'm not sure why anyone feels the need to comment on another person's appearance, but that's human behavior and scientists will always hope to understand our strange, mushy, nervy and fatty brains. While this person continued to comment, I realized that I couldn't hear what they were saying. It was as if someone grabbed my head and held it under water. The only thing I was fully able sense was my shame. I recall that I looked at the ground, that I turned my back to them for a moment, that I wondered what the purpose of their statement was. I wondered what a good response would be so that I would not hurt them and not embarrass myself anymore than I already felt.

As I read more about Buddhism (I'm not a Buddhist or anything else in particular , but maybe I'm a lot of things), I find a lot of common sense strategies for keeping my chin up when others purposefully or not "deliver a good shot" to that chin.  While I vacillated between confusion and understanding -Why would they say this? What is the purpose? What is happening in this person's life that they feel the need to say something that could hurt someone else?- I realized silence was the best response (I picked that up from Buddhism). Silence was my strength because nothing that I thought of saying was kind, valuable, necessary or would improve upon the situation.

But, let me dive back into the initial statement. Maybe this person's statement stuck with me because over the past year or so, I realized that I was okay with who I am. My physical appearance, first of all, has become significantly less important. I'm okay with the wrinkles and the quirks that Father Time subtly delivers. This wasn't always the case. Years ago, I spent nearly $200 (don't tell my husband) on anti-aging products. I smelled great, but I certainly didn't look like a younger woman and I didn't feel any better, either. Now, I see "anti-aging" and I choose not to fight that battle. Aging...there's no escape. Well, actually, I could die, right? I'm not ready for that quite yet so, I accept I aging. Challenge accepted! I'll attempt to do it with dignity, vitality and with complete awareness that I have been graced with the opportunity to see the years come and go. (Which reminds me...when I lived in Baltimore, there was a giant sign in the city that proposed that only 3 things were guaranteed in life: death, taxes and Cal Ripken. Aging was not on that list.)

What IS of primary importance to me is the serenity I have gained over the past few years. What I know is that when I allowed myself to be okay with myself - to accept what I have been and what I am and remain hopeful about what I want to become - I gave myself the gift of inner peace. I found quiet. Beyond that, a large space in my heart opened. I have space for you and you and you and you... for all of you. I have more space to give to others when that space is not filled up with doubts, concerns, worries and insecurities about myself. Until recently, I had never experienced this freedom.

In hindsight, what I realize is that I was tested and I failed. My mind was undisciplined and I allowed someone to steal what I had worked so hard to achieve. I chose to allow someone to occupy my emotions and thoughts and hey, that place is supposed to be off limits to all but myself.  The only person I was angry at during this time, was me. Equanimity remains something to be mastered. These days, I don't want to be part of certain dynamics - to cling to the attachments to undesirable behaviors or negative expectations and beliefs. I don't get any joy from conquering anyone but myself.

And recently, for about two weeks - almost consistently day after day, I've heard from one friend after another say that enough is enough. Their comments have all hovered around the need to take better care of that private, inner space and the realization that their happiness has nothing to do with anyone else. Happiness come from a place much more local than a person would think. They've let go or are in the process of letting going of the noise that comes from places that don't need so much attention and dropping burdens that aren't theirs and burdens that don't need to be so heavy. With that, I've seen honest contentment and the propagation of kindness that naturally follows.

The most beautiful people I know happen to be the nicest people I know.

Who loves you, baby? YOU should love YOU.

Staring at that wall, I sometimes forget my legs are moving at all.  This is where I go when I am angry, happy, thoughtful, excited, scared or confused. Truthfully, it's usually never just one of those that drives me there, it's usually two or more.

This past week, my blank wall held the secret to a recurring nightmare that I've had since about  the age of 5. The dream begins delightfully enough on gently rolling green hills. The sky is blue and the sun, the brightest yellow. I'm the only one out there. Nothing is nothing wrong with this picture, it's perfect. I find myself running on these hills - fast and free. It's pure joy. Slowly, I lose my step, and my legs can't keep the rhythm to the point when I am eventually crawling and dragging myself along the green grass.  I look all around and there doesn't appear to be a cause for my new disability - the  weather is great, I'm not sick, there's no mud - nothing. I just can not.  At this point,  I manage to wake myself up. I never stick around to find out how the story ends because being stagnant is too painful.

Last week, running under those full-spectrum light bulbs (a purchase made back in 1997 prior to a move to Vancouver, WA in preparation for the overcast, Pacific NW winters) I felt warm and happy and  in a state of "flow". The song "Unknown Caller" by U2 began and I heard these lyrics (and by the way, I never liked this song until this day):

Force quit and move to trash
I was right there at the top of the bottom
On the edge of the known universe where I wanted to be
I had driven to the scene of the accident
And I sat there waiting for me
Restart and re-boot yourself
You're free to go
Oh, oh

Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you enter here, right now
Oh, oh

You know your name so punch it in

And for some reason, my running dream came to mind and I thought, "It's okay to let her go." Stop hanging on to the gal who really likes to eat sugar, who looks in the mirror and cringes, who wallows in ruminations that serve no purpose, who worries entirely too much about things and people, who discounts her own accomplishments (but, has no problem recalling failures), who seems to thwart any forward progress for lack of self love and manages to create a secret inner world of melancholy. In other words, get up and start running again: I am the reason I can not run.

And that is where the great chasm lies. I do not recall feeling a sense of self love or worth throughout my life. I shoved self love and narcissism in the same box. They weren't so different to me and so, I held on to the idea that they were both bad, bad, bad. If you loved yourself so much, you certainly wouldn't feel the need to improve any negative characteristic about yourself. (This is just the sort of black/white thinking that causes so much harm on this planet.  I'm an expert at it so, if you'd like to know how NOT to think about things, call me.) The great "kick in the gut", which almost sent me flying off of the treadmill, was that the opposite is true: If you do not realize your self worth, you will never, ever feel better or do better.

So what does it take for you to realize that you are worth the trouble? What does it take for you to realize that taking care of your Self spiritually, mentally and physically is a worthwhile labor of love? When do you accept that you matter? Maybe the answer is when you begin to reflect upon your life. Personally, I found myself to the point of exhaustion.  Reliving and debating decisions long gone, grasping for missed opportunities and living in the past while the present patiently waited, but eventually walked on  - it was a tiresome and spiritually draining way to exist. I looked in the mirror and can sometimes only see the gorges between my eyes - where I carry worry and anxiety.  When I see those Botox ads, they ask, "Do you have an 11 on your forehead?"  No, actually, I have 1,111 on my forehead AND I don't have to make a stupid face to achieve that look.

Botox.com...erasing your emotions one injection at a time.

And a year ago, I found myself at a crossroads. While I had worked on the outside, the inside was still suffering. There was no peace and that's when I stopped moving...  just like in my nasty, little nightmare. I quit. I stopped some of the things I loved: volunteering, CrossFit, being engaged with others. I, quite literally, quit. Do you remember when Forrest Gump stopped running? I mean, he just stopped. That was me.

What a profound infirmity: the dissociation between the inner misery and the outer robustness. I (and probably you) can not function that way. As Buddy the Elf would say, I sat "on a throne of lies." Fortunately, despite the discord and upon aching reflection, I discovered that some of that wholeness from my outer-shell had oozed its way into my spirit. For the first time in my life, I realized my self imposed doom. Oh my God, I was the human Eeyore! When Michael asked me how much time I thought I had in this life and he emphatically stated, "You only get one shot at this," I began to feel Eeyore's stuffing fall out. I was listening and more importantly, believing.

The reality is, that somehow, someway, someday - you and I have to find the strength to take a truthful look at ourselves. It's not that pretty at times, but turn the page and guaranteed, you will find at least one positively, breath-taking quality about yourself (if you are having trouble finding one, contact me...I know I can find one for you). What is working and what isn't? What hurts us or holds us down? We attach ourselves to negative people, acts, and thoughts which become habitual, but the beauty of it is that we can detach ourselves, too! Maybe you need a little help doing that... and that's okay. We are THAT powerful when we embrace the fact that we are loved. And the love that matters the most is the extraordinary kind that we give to ourselves.

Michael asked me, after my run, what he should put on the white brick wall. He had considered a Portland Timbers pennant or poster. As much as it pained me to deny the Timbers a spot on the wall, I asked him to leave it blank.

And I sat there waiting for me

Restart and re-boot yourself

You're free to go

Oh, oh

Shout for joy if you get the chance

....

You know your name so punch it in
U2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=5&v=YMzfeV2GE0M

http://www.timbers.com/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology)

http://marmonmuscle.com/  :  CrossFit Williamsburg, where a lot of the outer strength made my brain start thinking the inside could be just as resilient.

How to Meet A Husband

When I moved to Baltimore after graduating from college, I decided to go to culinary school. I don't really know why. In hindsight, divine intervention must  have placed me there. A friend and I (she had moved to a new city, too) had agreed to answer three personal ads. This way, we could cut through all the BS and connect with potential suitors (aka we were not good at socializing and were too shy to talk to any men). When I tell this story, people say, "Oh, you met online!" No. This was back when only a few folks had desktop computers and when you wanted to connect to the internet, you would hear a screeching sound and then several sounds similar to what a coiled mattress spring might sound like when it bursts out of the cushioning. Not only that, but it took about 10 minutes to connect. The answer is no. We met through the "City Paper" - a gritty, urban "newspaper" found in all diners and seedy corners of Baltimore.

True to my agreement, I responded to the three ads. Bachelor #1: Mystery man who liked Salsa dancing, cooking and who requested over and over that we meet for the first time at his apartment (which was probably a buried school bus..think Kimmy Schmidt). Naturally, he got the ax just as I might have...along with duct tape, a gag and a roofie. No thanks, Norman Bates. Bachelor #2: Nice voice, charming med student on a Caribbean island who was home for the holidays. We agreed to meet at the Inner Harbor - in public, I'd have witnesses. I don't remember how we identified one another, but we did. Perfectly nice gentleman...dressed nicely, clean cut and very desperately wanting a companion (then again, so was I...I was responding to personal ads, after all). While I enjoyed his company, the announcement, "When you meet my family at Christmas time...", scared the hell out of me. He spoke those horrifying kind words and the magic died more quickly than a mother in a Disney movie. Bachelor #3: Looking for someone "liberal in thought, but conservative in values," likes going to museums and being outdoors. Could it all possibly be true or was it too good to be true? I decided to find out by meeting him at The Admiral's Cup in Fell's Point.

Nervous energy got the best of me. I managed to lock myself out of my apartment. My apartment on St. Paul Street was a hell-hole. It wouldn't have been the end of the world had I never regained entry. Brown "water" leaked from the ceiling above into my tub, and the hole underneath the kitchen sink allowed wafting clouds of marijuana smoke from my neighbor's apartment seep into mine (but I didn't inhale). Of course, this also meant I was locked out of my minty green Toyota Tercel. Oh well, I got a cab and eventually found myself doing a pedestrian drive-by past the Cup's window. There he was, he was as handsome in person as he was on paper.

 I sat next to him and we engaged in a nice conversation while he ordered a beer for me.  Let it be known: I hate beer. I pulled the 'ol, "Oh just pick one for me," because: 1. I don't know any beer names  and 2. What's the difference? They all taste like hay anyway. That beer was politely sipped for a few hours.

Michael's covert plan of meeting at a bar was directly related to the perceived success of the evening. If we were incompatible, we could escape immediately after the beer. If it went well, we could progress to dinner. We progressed to dinner. (By the way, I noticed Michael had really great teeth. They looked strong, like a caveman's teeth. I mean that in a nice way...it seemed like such a primal thing to notice. I'm telling you the truth, though - ridiculously fabulous chompers.) The decision was made to go to The Wild Mushroom, but to get there, we had to ride in his car.

Riding in a stranger's car? Had my parent's taught me anything?  Apparently they had not. I was ready for such a moment. In my pocket, I carried law enforcement quality pepper spray. Below is a picture of a very similar can. As you can see, it resembles a fire extinguisher and it sprayed like a fire hose. Weeks earlier, I tested the spray with my friends in the alley-way behind my apartment - big, big mistake. The heavy stream ricocheted off of a brick wall and the droplets (and it only takes a few) sent us into uncontrollable coughing fits and stung our eyes so that all we could do was walk in circles and bump into each other laughing and crying all at once. With my trigger finger ready, we hopped in the car (not the sports car, but the Ford Taurus next to it - another reason I love my husband - he is sensible when you REALLY need
sensibility).

We had a terrific meal and the date continued on to Funk's
Democratic Coffee Spot. Funk's is now defunct - a great little hole in the wall that once offered to pay me "under the table" to make their bakery items in their tiny basement kitchen. It never happened, but I swear I would have been content working for them. And, who knows? Maybe as the secret baker, I would have served Michael a delicious slice of my pecan chocolate pie during his date with someone else. Sadly for her, I would've stolen his heart. He never stood a chance!  I digress. Michael, a coffee connoisseur, ordered quickly and expertly. I had never had coffee. I did not know how to pronounce "cappuccino" or "latte". Capushino? Capukino? Cap uh ke ke no? Lahhhtay? Laytay? Lateee? Hot chocolate. Yes indeed, "I'll have a hot chocolate, please," the sure thing.

Let's go back a little. Michael told me his name was Gus. Gus is a nickname bestowed upon him by his friend, Michael (who coincidentally  is coming to see us this evening and has the nickname, Woodrow). I suppose he used a false name for safety.   

Sadly the night had to end. To this day, I can instantaneously recall the awkward smiles, the shyness we both struggled through during the evening, the surprising ease of conversation and, best of all, the fact that I could not look directly at Michael...Gus...whatever. No eye contact. I had an exceptionally tough time engaging with him in this way. I looked all around his head....it was tough looking at a real man with a real life with sensibility and intelligence and handsomeness and just plain general appeal - and I had his attention. Me. Me? Me. Again, we left the next step open ended and I hoped for a call from him because in my heart, head and belly, I knew. He was marvelous and I had room in my life for him.

I didn't hear from Gus again for about two weeks. Two weeks, I said. While I was relieved that he eventually contacted me, those two weeks were filled with checking my answering machine and mindless distractions. When he did contact me, he was apologetic and confided in me that his cousin had been tragically killed in an accident (I believe it was the night we met or the night after). Michael had an immense love for his cousin and, fortunately, he had just visited him in Washington state -the unspoken decision for Michael to eventually live in the NW had been solidified during this visit. He was hurting - it was clear in his voice. And maybe it was this event that allowed him to dive in head first with me. As Michael would tell me years later while gently grabbing my shoulders during what felt like an exceptionally helpless moment, "How long do you think you have in this life? You get one shot."

Eventually, we would meet again. On this next date, we would get in the old Taurus and head to a friend's party in Federal Hill. The conversation on the drive there:

Michael: Oh, by the way, my name isn't Gus.
Ivonne: Hahah! What? Ha.
Michael: It's just a nickname that my friend Woodrow/Michael gave me.
Ivonne's thoughts: Shit. I forgot my pepper spray.

20 years later, my humble advice to you is to answer that personal ad (with pepper spray in hand).

 My date. One of the finest qualities in him is that he is honorable: moral, honest, ethical.

Plus, he's incredibly handsome and funny.

Dad duties with trombone accompaniment

Running/moving meditation - during which some of our best conversations happen. I swear he is not running away from me.

Enhancing lives in his favorite space: http://enhancinglife.uchicago.edu/

__________________________________________
Top 3 memories from year one with M:
1. Serving him chocolate pecan pie in my apartment. He confesses he could not finish it because it was so sweet and rich. I have never been able to successfully corrupt his only slightly sweet tooth - probably why his teeth are still in good shape!
2. Michael walked several miles though a snow storm to visit me one evening. That is the truth.
3. Sitting in Donna's Coffeehouse one night and discovering the "Passengers" Soundtrack . Afterwards, we walked up St Paul St. to the train station for no reason other than to be together and take in the simple and strange elegance of our gritty Charm City.


http://www.donnas.com/
http://theadmiralscup.com/
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/texas-pecan-and-chocolate-pie-103169
http://enhancinglife.uchicago.edu/people/consumer-wisdom-a-modern-virtue-for-a-qualitatively-better-and-more-sustainable-economy

Check out this blog , especially the TEDtalks E. Perel gives. Completely worth it.
http://www.estherperel.com/blog/

Valuable Reading...and Rereading

"It is such a privilege to have people who continue each day to bless us with their love and prayer. These inner friends of the heart confer on us inestimable gifts.  In these times of greed and externality, there is such unusual beauty in having friends who practice profound faithfulness to us, praying for us each day without our ever knowing or remembering it. There are often lonesome frontiers we could never endure or cross without the inner sheltering of these friends. It is hard to live a true life that endeavors to be faithful to its own calling and not become haunted by the ghosts of negativity; therefore, it is not a luxury to have such friends; it is necessary." - John O'Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us, A Book of Blessings

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not look for allies in life's battle-field, but to my own strength.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved, but hope for the patience to win my freedom.
Grant me that I may not be a coward, feeling your mercy in my success alone, but let me find the grasp of your hand in my failure.  - Rabindranath Tagore

I suppose I consider this next one a prayer. I used to read it everyday walking into work...

Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
- Max Ehrmann

A prayer of Thanksgiving

Garden Meditations 
by Max Coots

Let us give thanks for a bounty of people.

For children who are our second planting, and though they
grow like weeds and the wind too soon blows them away, may
they forgive us our cultivation and fondly remember where
their roots are.

Let us give thanks;

For generous friends…with hearts…and smiles as bright
as their blossoms;

For feisty friends, as tart as apples;

For continuous friends, who, like scallions and cucumbers,
keep reminding us that we’ve had them;

For crotchety friends, sour as rhubarb and as indestructible;

For handsome friends, who are as gorgeous as eggplants and
as elegant as a row of corn, and the others, as plain as
potatoes and so good for you;

For funny friends, who are as silly as Brussels sprouts and
as amusing as Jerusalem artichokes;

And serious friends as unpretentious as cabbages, as subtle
as summer squash, as persistent as parsley, as delightful as
dill, as endless as zucchini and who, like parsnips, can be
counted on to see you through the winter;

For old friends, nodding like sunflowers in the evening-time,
and young friends coming on as fast as radishes;

For loving friends, who wind around us like tendrils and hold
us, despite our blights, wilts and witherings;

And finally, for those friends now gone, like gardens past
that have been harvested, but who fed us in their times that
we might have life thereafter.

For all these we give thanks.

Forgiveness. What the hell is it and how do I do it?

Forgiveness, unfortunately, has been on mind lately. I don't know how to graciously ask for it or receive it and, while I can give it, I'm embarrassed to say that I'm not actually that good at it.

I talk to Michael a lot about the subjects that occupy my thoughts. My writing was his fabulous idea. If he thought it would keep me from "yapping" so much, he was wrong. Truthfully, it's done the opposite - probably opened up a vault of hidden thoughts and words. Recently, I asked him to give me any information he might find related to forgiveness. Michael is an avid reader and is constantly learning. His mind does not stop and I take advantage of that. He sent me this article:

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-22322/10-reasons-to-just-choose-to-forgive.html

I don't love the subject line: It's best to leave retribution to the universe. It sounds as if you are waiting for that person who "did you wrong" to get hit by the karma bus when they least expect it. If you read more, you will find the true meaning of karma. I don't define it very well, but in my simpleton words: you create your own inner heaven or hell. You are the master of your well being. If you act like a jerk, you'll probably feel like a jerk (and if you don't, then you are a sociopath and you have bigger issues so, you should get to a psychiatrist).

I'm attempting to understand forgiveness not because I need to hand it out, but because I need to receive forgiveness. If I think for a bit, and not to strenuously, I realize I would need more than two hands to count out the people who probably feel they need an apology from me. When I dissect the situations,  I am painfully aware that most of the "dislike" actually comes from misunderstanding or miscommunication. The good intentions are abundant (I always recall that old Randy Travis song that says something like: the road to Hell is paved with good intentions), and good intentions matter to me, but they don't do too much when you are in urgent need of mercy. I have a few apologies to give, yes I do.

Sadly, the words "I'm sorry", weren't really a part of my vocabulary until adulthood. My husband taught me the value. He's a good man and knows that those two words (or three because, hey, "I'm" is a contraction) are not empty. He has never delivered those words without meaning. And when someone says I'm sorry (in the right tone and humbly - because those snotty, snarly I'm sorries that you know you've heard your children say to one another, don't really count), it matters. It matters a lot. I'm thankful for those words and for being given the opportunity to say them to someone I've hurt.  While being the giver of or the recipient of  forgiveness requires outrageous amounts of vulnerability, it is among the finest gifts we can share. 


I have trouble defining forgiveness. I have to remind myself of what it is and what it isn't. I can not turn to the Bible or any other religious readings to find its meaning. I do turn, however, to science. There are times during which I wish I had the extraordinary religious faith that many of my friends exhibit. I don't. I've tried and maybe someday I will find my answers in religion, but currently, I am a religious mutt and science holds my attention.
This article clarifies it all for me. I read it and reread it.

http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/forgiveness/understanding-forgiveness

 I often feel that forgiveness should be quick and forgetful. I am always disappointed when it is not - which means, I am always disappointed in how forgiveness works. I want to be better at handing out forgiveness (I don't need to do this very often - my closest friends are great empathizers and our wires rarely cross). Family is a bit more tricky. I don't have a thorough understanding of this...yet. Honestly, it seems like an enormous undertaking - coming to some understanding of familial forgiveness and relationships (expectations, disappointment, love, hurt, pain, joy...). It almost overwhelms me.

As mentioned before, I have read some of Nadia Bolz-Weber's writings. I agree and disagree with her, but she is entertaining and so unapologetically human that I can't do anything but adore her. Two of the biggest points I've found in her writings are:

1. You have to learn to live without the apology you think you deserve.
2. You will eventually be disappointed by others. Decide how you will respond.

These are tough lessons, especially because we have all been on either end and have probably agonized over each. I don't personally know anyone that purposely  sets out to inflict pain and suffering upon anyone else (even the passive aggressive nonsense...I can have a twinge of empathy seeing that this is a form of unresolved anger). These two points are like an atomic bomb exploded in my heart.  I owe someone an apology and I don't even know it!?  And, I KNOW I have disappointed others, but not purposefully . Here, I ask for forgiveness for any distress I've caused. 

Wouldn't it be nice if it were as simple as a form letter? If only.

I _________(name), offer an apology for the following reasons: __________.

I mean it, I really do. Can we forget about it now?

Love, __________(name).

I do wish for all of us to have the ability to delicately and gracefully share our hurt when it is necessary for peace or with quiet, but courageous compassion, find a way in our own hearts to bestow mercy upon others. We all need this peace. Whether we are the almsgiver or the beneficiary, we all need the opportunity to do better, to be better.

Crossfit...One of My Other Churches

It has already been established that I am headed to Hell (prior post) so, I typed out the title of this post with freedom and a smile. It's okay, I do go to another "real" church.  I go to church for community, to learn, for forgiveness, and to gain some understanding. Hopefully, I come out inspired to give another week a shot at being a good person. I found this somehow very similar to the reasons I go to CrossFit. Religious church and CrossFit are like fraternal twins on good terms.

When I walk in to CrossFit, I am acknowledged: a hello, a hug, a wave. I am surrounded by friends, old and new.  I know that when I walk in, I am accepted and anything that has happened beyond that door frame doesn't really matter at the moment. My heart is genuinely happy to be present and I've brought a few of my companions - acceptance and well being. Our athletes are filled with hope. What will be the outcome of the challenges we face? We can oversimplify and feel that some outcomes are failures. For example, missing a heavy lift or not being able to complete a workout as we had anticipated. It's never a failure. We are all aware of that. We are all aware that any attempt is moving us toward becoming. In this community, you'll amass the greatest cheers if you are struggling because you are unrelenting - we all appreciate your journey and the "brass ring". When you are successful, we all feel it. It's rather organic, isn't it? When you win, I feel like I won, too. That's fellowship. Every member matters.

A hallmark of CrossFit is the community. Our members have similar objectives and a certain amount of stubbornness! Fortunately, the stubbornness is directed toward barbells. Despite our similarities and differences, our community holds us responsible for ourselves and holds us socially responsible. We are a collective of citizens who are interdependent and share ownership of our community. Go ahead, call it a cult and crack the "Drink the CrossFit Kool-Aid" jokes, I will be the first to offer you a swig from the chalice (which looks a lot like a protein shake bottle) . I firmly believe that people without a community are more prone to mental illness, substance abuse and even, given the right personality, more likely to engage in violent acts towards others (and/or themselves). This particular community may not be for everyone, but it's important to find a community that nurtures your spirit and mind in positive ways.

Recently, I went to a 9:30 class at CrossFit during which I griped about a recent series of events that involved one of my children and the internet. These events were, to say the least, unpleasant and I feel that I failed as a parent.  My 9:30 comrades quickly offered me some hope, advice and more importantly, perspective that included copious amounts of laughter. After a few sets of  back squats, another member chimed in about her recent issue. Granted she is far more level-headed than I am, I believe we both reaped the benefits of our community. The combination of dopamine and camaraderie is enough to cure what ails you. The situation was cathartic (and full of PRs).

I suppose my point is that I am a member of a community that is full of some sort of unspoken intimacy. It's a mutual understanding that we are all trying our best. I am given the benefit of the doubt, and you will be the recipient of such a gift. Inside our walls, we have established a league of givers and takers, winners and losers, lovers and haters and we are all here to encourage you to be your best - no matter which of those hats you're wearing at the moment. When you walk out, start again...renewed and empowered. You have a lot of people who believe in you.

When I walk into my religious church, I'm worn out. I'm looking up, around, over and under for a second chance in the upcoming week. I want to feel better and do better (it wouldn't hurt to look better, either). I find grace at the very start. We open our service with these words, "Come, come, whoever you are...your presence here is a gift. All are worthy, all are welcome." And those words keep me going to religious church and those words, although unspoken, reaffirm my membership in my CrossFit congregation.

Thank you Rachel Karnes Photography!
http://www.rachelkarnesphotography.com/
And, thanks KC Batik for my favorite tank. I love the Burg.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/KCBatik

Jesus and Buddha and all those other nice folks

Lately, I've rediscovered an inner peace. Probably something I have not had inside me since childhood.

Growing up as a Catholic kid, I knew I was going to Hell. At least, that's what I was told. Once, I drew on the wall with a crayon. It was that neon orange color. That delightful crayon probably had the name "Sunny Day Orange" or something very joyful like that. Needless to say, when it was discovered that I had faintly outlined the doorknob to our downstairs bathroom with Happy Orange, I quickly denied the crime. "You go to Hell if you lie", is what I was told. I was 5. I was doomed by the age of 5.

I prayed the rosary. That was not the last time I would turn to Mary and Our Father for forgiveness. No matter how many times I prayed the rosary, it felt useless. I was going to Hell. I went through the motions of Catholic life: First Communion, Confession, Confirmation. I had no idea this was all supposed to have meaning in my life - other than I was trying to sell my entry ticket to Hell.

I remember being Confirmed in college through the Catholic Campus Ministry. We went through many discussions and formalities so that we could be certain we would be prepared to commit to the Catholic Church. I felt ready, I was ready to follow in the footsteps of Jesus. This was the guy that was supposed to save me. His Dad, God, was looking out for me, too.

A few days prior to Confirmation, my Confirmation group met. In the midst of the discussion, I became aware that God was not some fellow high up in a cloud, wearing a toga and a long white beard while pointing a staff at things that he either wanted to create, repair or destroy. What the Hell? He's not a guy? He's not at least a spirit of a guy looking out for me? I was floored. I was angry that no one had ever mentioned God's true identity to me. I felt like a fool, but I committed to Catholicism anyway because it seemed like the right thing to do.

For years I walked around angry at myself for being Catholic. For agreeing to something I did not whole-heartedly believe in, for not understanding it after years of going through motions. Then again, I did not bother to dig deeper to discover what I did believe in. I spent many years just being me...no sail, no paddle, no motor, no extra water, no life vest...nothing. I was wandering, but mostly lost.

 I'm about to turn 42. I've had awhile to think and still retain some level of confusion (this is particularly true since I hit the age of 40). What I know is this: there are a lot of good, admirable people on this planet. Before us, one of those greats was Jesus. He is one of many truly admirable people whose teachings I take to heart along with those of other great men and women. Jesus did not want us to worship him, he wanted us to be good people (act like him). Whoever can teach me to be a good person, whoever can serve as a fine example, I will watch you and listen to you. Buddha, I'm listening. Mother Theresa, show me the way. Gandhi, I'm all ears. We have in our lifetime, incredibly kind people roaming the earth, sending us messages about goodness, hope, faith, healing, understanding. We may not realize it now, but they are out there. I believe that. I'm sure some walk by my side and I don't even know it.

I've discovered a great book as I search for understanding of my own faith, Accidental Saints: Finding God in All the Wrong People by Nadia Bolz-Weber. I've listened to her NPR interviews and find that she speaks my language. I understand what she is saying and she is giving me some clarity and hope that Jesus is not going to stamp my one-way ticket to Hell. If there is hope for me, there is hope for you. The icing is that she's a CrossFitter, so she can't be THAT bad, right?  =)


Here's a link to Nadia Bolz-Weber's interesting insights:

http://www.nadiabolzweber.com/latest-sermons